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J. Scott Wilson , Staff Writer

When we were growing up, the kitchen was a "safe" place, where you could find mom, the cookie jar, and a shiny kitchen table at which to consume tasty snacks.

Yeah, right. When I was growing up, the kitchen was the place you never walked without shoes, just in case the roaches had gotten happy with the booby traps again. For those of you who grew up in a neighborhood like mine, this week's stories will be no surprise. You folks who were raised by Donna Reed and Ward Cleaver might want to grab a fistful of antacids before reading further.

Leggo My Flamethrower!

A couple in New Jersey is suing Kellogg's over a breakfast-time snafu. Brenda Hurff dropped a Pop-Tart in the toaster for breakfast and left to run her kids to school. She returned to find the fire department in her driveway, and $100,000 damage done to her house. The fire marshal listed the cause of the blaze as "unattended food." The Hurffs, however, following the belief that "big companies are to blame for EVERYTHING," are suing Kellogg's and Black and Decker, the makers of the toaster, for big bucks. A Kellogg's spokesman is quoted as saying that Pop-Tarts don't start fires.

Anyone familiar with the science experiments of my close personal friend, author Dave Barry, can tell you that this is not QUITE true. In fact, people with college degrees (not even mail-order ones!) have posted information on the Web about the menace of flammable breakfast pastries.

I got curious about this, and having recently purchased a shiny new toaster, I had an old one laying about just waiting to be enlisted in the effort to expand our knowledge about what stuff will burn. Following various instructions I'd located on the Internet, I placed the Pop-Tarts in the toaster and, using a broom handle while wearing rubber gloves, pushed the lever on the toaster down and held it. NOTE TO IMPRESSIONABLE YOUNG READERS: Kids, do NOT try this at home unless you've got a parent around, preferably one who hasn't gotten into the Wild Turkey. I am a highly-paid professional who makes big bucks for risking my life in pursuit of weird news. I am also, according to my driver's license, an adult. I have no independent verification of that.

At 5 minutes, there was a definite burning smell coming from the toaster.

At 6 minutes, smoke began to issue from the toaster slots in a most satisfying manner.

At 8 minutes, disaster struck! The crumb tray, which had not been cleaned since the Carter Administration, caught fire. The resulting blaze rendered the toaster unfit for further experimentation. I'll be going garage-sale prowling this weekend in hopes of finding further "volunteers."

You Want A Ton Of Fries With That?

The folks in Seymour, Wisc., like a good burger ... a really BIG burger. Last week, they outdid their neighbors in Saco, Mont., by making and successfully grilling a patty that weighed in just under 8,300 pounds. (That's 53 head of cattle for my fellow Texans.) They hooked up a 24-square-foot grill made of cinderblocks, heated by 100-lb. cylinders of propane, to grill the monstrous meat slab. This is the second time the town has pulled off a stunt like this: Back in 1989, they served up a 5,520-lb patty, only to be topped by the folks in Saco in 1999, when they grilled up just over three tons of beef.

This raises numerous questions: How did they flip the patty? How many people did it take to hold the spatula? Did they top it with the world's largest square of pasteurized processed cheese food? Where'd they find a tomato big enough to put on it? And, most importantly, has anyone notified Jimmy Buffett?

Hold The Pickles, Hold The Maggots

Vincent Ingram, an 11-year-old lad from Detroit, was enjoying a burger purchased at a local McDonald's when, according to his lawyer, his sister began screaming. This had nothing to do with any table manner issues. According to the shyster, young Vince's sister saw bugs crawling out of the boy's mouth. The cheeseburger that Vincent was eating was allegedly teeming with maggots, and some had been deposited on his chin and were busily trundling about. Isn't that just like a kid, to get food on his face? They're so cute. The family lawyer has announced plans to sue Ronald and Co. for a cool million.

The way I see it, the kid should look at this as valuable preparation for college life, when he'll encounter organisms in his food and drink that make maggots look like Teletubbies.

Burgers, Not Bombs

In more McDonald's news, the manager of a Sunbury, Penn., outlet is facing a fine after a safety drill went awry. All seemed fine in the burger joint when the manager pulled out what appeared to be a gun and shouted, "Get your heads down!" A county judge, who had come into the restaurant with his family just before this bit of impromptu theater, was dialing 911 on his cell phone when informed by an employee that it was a "hostage drill." The judge was less than amused, and the manager has been slapped with a $300 fine for disorderly conduct.

Is it just me, or does the idea of McDonald's having hostage drills sound like a REALLY strong sign of the apocalypse? On the bright side, I'm planning to go by Wal-Mart this weekend when they turn on the sprinklers and have a flood drill.

Bizarre Picture Of The Week

GIANT FLY ATTACKS PHOENIX

This pic, of course, was taken by a tower camera in Phoenix. At least, that's what the chamber of commerce says. I haven't heard from any of my friends there for a while ...

Urban Legend Of The Week

Every once in a while, during my research, I come across a piece that makes me slap myself inna head.

We've all heard or read the story, usually related as an insurance claim form entry, about the unfortunate bricklayer who, in the process of trying to get some excess bricks down to the ground, suffers a truly mind-boggling chain of misfortunes culminating in the bucket of bricks landing on his head and fracturing his skull.

Hold onto your socks folks. This story is at least 70 years old, and has shown up in comedy recordings from the 1930s. It's pure fiction.

Don't feel too bad if you believed it: National Lampoon published it in 1986 as a "True Fact."

Want to read the full text of the tale? Click here.

Well, I'm sure this has worked up an appetite for you. Before you bite into that burger, let me know if anything bizarre's going on in your corner of the world!

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