It's an exciting week here at the sprawling suburban Weird Chronicles offices. For months now, we've been patient. We've watched the wires, cast the runes, and done auguries on interns trying to find evidence of the elusive creature known as Bigfoot.

We had a full Red Alert last November, but it was just one of the neighbor's kids home for Thanksgiving break. He gave up bathing and shaving, and has been living on takeout pizza and put on a lot of weight. That still doesn't explain why he was snacking on my compost heap, but it was a false alarm nonetheless.

The Tide Turns

Thanks to alert field reporter Jason Hanna, in Indianapolis, we now have our proof! A combination of sharp-eyed Hoosiers and good Indiana mud has yielded solid evidence of the presence of the large, hairy creature in the heartland.

The picture at right was taken on some property near Rick Deckard's home in Monroe County, Ind. Deckard is one of several people in and around the Hoosier National Forest, in the hills of Monroe County south of Bloomington, who have reported signs or sightings of a mysterious, upright-walking creature in the past few years.

The usual academic types, led by Russ Grunden (who, from his picture at left, may be related to our furry friend), of the Indiana Department of Natural Resources, have come out of the woodwork saying that the prints were made by an exotic pet, a kid playing tricks, swamp gas, weather balloons, or any of the usual excuses.

Just one problem, Russ old pal: look at how DEEP those prints are. They were made by something weighing well more than 200 pounds. That rules out the neighbor-kid theory. According to Rick and others, there is a distinct bipedal pattern to the tracks, so the "exotic animal" theory is out, unless someone's got a missing lowland gorilla.

Once, just ONCE, I want one of these academic/government types to step out and admit that it's just remotely possible that they don't have everything that crawls, walks, flies or slithers catalogued yet.

Oh, and Rick? Make sure they get the mud stains out of my fur boots. I'll be back up there this weekend!

Cartman Would Be Proud

The Eagle County Sheriff's Office, in Burns, Colo., is baffled. Recently, a number of the bovine residents of the area have gone missing. One rancher, Pat Luark, is missing no less than 22 animals.

The sheriff jokingly claims to have ruled out alien abductions. We know better, don't we, folks? The sheriff claims the culprits must be rustlers or natural predators, but no evidence of either has yet been found.

I'm betting that the aliens were watching me cook and devour one of my patented flame-grilled ribeyes and developed a taste for beef. Look for a saucer trailing the distinct odor of mesquite smoke.

Driving Miss Doggy

Lyle Sneary and his blue heeler, Rancher, were feeding cattle in a pasture when Sneary noticed a cow that had recently calved was down. The two drove to the cow, and Sneary left his dog inside the warming pickup truck while he went to check on the cow.

That's when the trouble started. Lyle got the cow on its feet and fed it some hay. The rest of the herd started ambling over pretty quickly, looking to get in on the grub. Lyle started hollering and waving at the herd, trying to drive them off.

Rancher got excited at the commotion, and started jumping about in the truck's cab. He first stepped on the lock button for the truck door, then managed to kick the gearshift out of "park."

Sneary had left the driver's side window down, having been locked out of the vehicle by his rambunctious hound before. He leaped to the sideboard of the truck and reached in through the window, trying to steer the truck away from a tree which lay dead ahead. He was unsuccessful, and the front end of his truck soon became one with the tree.

Note in the previous paragraph that Lyle admitted to having been locked out of the truck by the dog before. Let that sink into your mind for a bit. Now ask yourself this question: Would you still leave the dog in the truck? Yes, it was cold, but dogs are equipped to deal with it, at least for short periods.

Which code would you list this under on the insurance claim form? Would it be driver error, act of god, or the ever-popular "miscellaneous?"

Bring Back 'Dear Dotti!'

My responsibility, to bring all of you the latest and greatest from the World of Weird, has gotten a bit heavier this week. In an effort to drive the tinfoil-hat crowd back to the newsstands, the Weekly World News, that scion of "Bat Boy" and "Elvis is Alive!" stories, has temporarily pulled the online edition of its paper.

The front page of the site now consists of an appeal to buy the paper done in hostage-note form, and a diatribe by our old friend Ed Anger against those who prefer to get their weird news free of charge, from the Web.

I'd like to extend an open invitation to all of you WWN readers out there: Stick with the Weird Chronicles, and we'll feed your need for weird doings and odd behavior on a weekly basis! In six months, Ed Anger will be working for ME.

So, any big footprints in your back yard? Any pets gone missing, or seen driving around? Drop me a line!

Previous Stories:

• February 1, 2002: The Official Weird Chain Letter!
• January 25, 2002: Love Is In The Air!
• January 18, 2002: Sometimes It's Too Easy
• January 11, 2002: Have A Weird Lunch
• January 4, 2002: Weird Goes To Work
• December 28, 2001: It's The Weird Year In Review!
• Dec. 21, 2001: Rockin' Around The Wacky Tree
• Dec. 14, 2001: Time To "Clean" The Office
• Dec. 7, 2001: So, That's IT?