It's vacation time! Folks all over the country are setting out for the Great American Whatever in search of new experiences, new faces, and tacky knickknacks. Before you load up the Family Truckster, check out the escapades of some other folks around the country who, at least mentally, are already on vacation.

Sun City Heats Up

The median age at the Sun City West retirement village is 73. Such a figure would lead one to believe that it's not exactly a simmering hotbed of libidinous action. This could not be further from the truth. Law officials and community leaders are up in arms over an outbreak of public sex. Nowhere, apparently, is safe, as incidents have been reported everywhere from spa rooms to benches along mountain trails. The local honchos have even installed lights in certain areas to try to discourage the "senior romance," but they've been vandalized and rendered useless.

Reports that Bob Dole was seen leaving the community after handing out copious free samples of Viagra could not be confirmed.

We Need A New Timmy!

A Maryland family on their way home from a vacation in Michigan stopped off at a gas station in New Stanton, Pa., to fill up. Their 15-year-old son left the family momentarily to "empty the tank," and returned to find his family gone. The boy is one of four kids, and apparently mom and dad just blew the headcount. The travelers didn't notice that they were one short for another 2 1/2 hours, at which time they returned for their son, who had been taken to the state police barracks.

MY parents used to pull this trick all the time, and they ALWAYS claimed that it was "just an oversight" when the police tracked them down. Did I mention that I'm an only child? Excuse me, I have to call my therapist.

You Can't Eat Just One

An important component of any good vacation is the selection of the proper "road food." Some folks go for chips, some for sweets, and some here in Texas go for whatever animals are unwary enough to stray in front of their speeding vehicles. An Ashtabula, Ohio, man is apparently in the first category. Patrick Wolf was arraigned on theft charges after local cops found him asleep in his car, surrounded by 50 bags of assorted chips and cookies. More edible loot was discovered in the trunk of the car. An alert sheriff's deputy went to a nearby Frito-Lay plant and found a delivery truck which had been relieved of its cargo.

I've had the munchies to this degree on several occasions, but the folks at the ice cream plant didn't buy my story that I could deliver their product in an open pickup truck.

Everyone Needs A Hobby

We've all seen the antics of sports mascots, all chuckled at the person dressed in an animal suit at the mall, and been scared spitless by the menacing behavior of a guy in a bear suit on a New York street (OK, maybe that last is just me). You might be a little alarmed to learn what goes on in the heads of some of the guys inside the suits, though. A group in Ohio, the "Ohio Furries," had a convention in Cleveland recently. What, you may ask, is a "Furry?" To put it simply, they're folks who feel more comfortable dressed up as animals or other critters. They have contests, meetings, lectures, and other events. And no, as my close personal friend Dave Barry would say, I am NOT making this up.

I wonder how many of these guys got jobs as extras in the new "Planet of the Apes" movie. That would have to be something on the order of a dream come true.

Urban Legend Of The Week

If you're reading this, you probably have an e-mail account. You've probably gotten umpteen forwarded notes from well-meaning friends about deleting the "sulfnbk.exe" file from your computer. Listen to me carefully, now: DON'T DO IT.

The file in question is a normal Windows file, and deleting it could do nasty things to the function of your 'puter. There IS a virus called Magistr which MAY take up residence inside that file, but any good-quality virus scan can find it and send it packing.

Oh, and the bit about it "detonating" on June 1? That's horse puckey, too. For more info on this and other virus hoaxes, check out the Urban Legends Web site.

Got a troll in your crawlspace? Bigfoot in the tool shed? Aliens on the luggage rack? Drop me a line.

Previous Stories:

• May 25, 2001: Danger, Danger Everywhere
• May 11, 2001: Welcome To The Weird Wide Web
• May 4, 2001: Things To Do In The Dark
• April 27, 2001: Weird Omens And Wacky Portents
• April 20, 2001: Walk On The Weird Side
• April 13, 2001: Just Plain Weird
• April 6, 2001: Love, Weird American Style
• March 27, 2001: It's The Weird Winter Roundup!
• March 20, 2001: Weirdness In The Court!