It's the beginning of summer and, from what I've seen crossing the Weird Wires, the heat is already taking its toll on the cerebral stability of some of you out there. The broiled-brain behavior of sun-struck humans gives the staff here at the sprawling, air-conditioned Weird Chronicles complex a warm, toasty feeling.

Slap on some sunscreen, adjust that tinfoil hat, and take a gander at this week's selections.

Time To Switch To Sneakers

The streets of Pittsburgh, Pa., are a little less safe lately, at least if you're a lady wearing heels. Several women have reported being attacked by a 40ish fellow who dove at their feet, tore off one of their shoes, and sniffed and licked their feet. It's sort of a Prince Charming thing, in reverse. If they've got any snap, the Pittsburgh cops will station "plants": Gorgeous, heel-wearing women whose feet have been throughly treated with combination of skunk oil and mace. Or, they could just hire my cousin Griselda.

Big Island Madness

It was just another surveillance gig for a Hilo, Hawaii, police officer. He was observing suspicious activity at the Hilo bus terminal when, according to the police report, a fellow named John Daffron drove across traffic and over a median, striking the officer's car. Mighty John was at the wheel of a Toyota four-wheel drive pickup with giant-sized tires. Another officer arrested the erstwhile "Gravedigger" fan.

You mean this is a CRIME? Here in Texas, we do this every Saturday night just for kicks.

He'll Have A 'Fine' Time

Librarians in Gladstone, Mo., thought that Ronald Pashen was just an avid reader. The 72-year-old was a frequent customer, and borrowed a wide range of reading material. The library folks soon learned, however, that it wasn't learning Pashen was after, but lucre. Twenty-nine eBay customers identified books they'd bought as library tomes, another 126 were recovered from Pashen's house, and 99 are still unaccounted-for.

This guy gets the special Weird Bravery Award. I've always had this sneaking suspicion that, if you tick off the library folks, they'll send the Book Enforcers to mess you up. Probably too much Stephen King.

You Need This Like A ...

Back in the Dark Ages, a procedure called trepanning was used to "let demons out" and "relieve pressure" by boring holes in the skull. Proving that much of the New Age movement has the intellectual substance of lime Jello, the practice has resurfaced among those seeking an unconventional consciousness-raising experience. Where folks of a past generation would have turned to recreational pharmaceuticals, these people maintain that drilling holes in one's skull will, among other things, increase blood flow to the brain and lead to "heightened perceptions." A Danish fellow named Bart Hughes is credited with the modern resurgence of trepanning, which he apparently thought up while whacked on mescaline.

OK, so let me get this straight: Some guy gets fried on hallucinogens and tells me that I should drill holes in my head so that I can free myself from bourgeois perceptions and leaden thinking. Anyone who follows this practice will probably be interested in my line of decorative skull-hole patches. They're tie-dyed!

Urban Legend Of The Week

Let me begin by declaring that NO ONE is a bigger "cat person" than I am. So, when reports of the "Bonsai Kitten" site began crossing my desk, I was ready to unleash the hordes of Hades upon the folks responsible. Here at the Chronicles, however, we've learned (much to our relief) that the site is a complete hoax. There is not now, nor has there ever been, someone doing the things to cat that are described on the site.

As to the tastefulness and mental stability of the sickos responsible for the site ... well, let's just say I won't be sharing a bus seat with any of them.

So, how's things around your place lately? Any giant, mutant vegetables soaking up the summer sun? Has Bigfoot been clogging up your pool filter with hair? Drop me a line and let me know!

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Previous Stories:

• June 22, 2001: Mayo Munchers Need Not Apply
• June 8, 2001: Welcome, Weird Employees
• June 1, 2001: Have A Weird Vacation
• May 25, 2001: Danger, Danger Everywhere
• May 11, 2001: Welcome To The Weird Wide Web
• May 4, 2001: Things To Do In The Dark
• April 27, 2001: Weird Omens And Wacky Portents
• April 20, 2001: Walk On The Weird Side
• April 13, 2001: Just Plain Weird