If you, like most Americans, backed the GasHog 2000 up to the pump, tanked up, and hit the road for the Fourth of July, you might have seen some odd sights on the road. Odds are, none of your peculiar roadside attractions (with the possible exception of the World's Largest Ball of Bellybutton Lint in Fred, Texas) even approached the level of insanity exhibited by this week's selections.

Cleanup On Aisle Six! Seven! Eight!

Shoppers in a Brooklyn, Ohio, Giant Eagle grocery store were startled to find a Ford Focus cruising the aisles of the store. Store security cameras caught the entire misguided munchie run on tape, and a firefighter with a handheld camera recorded the aftermath. According to police, the driver of the car (put on your surprise face) confessed to having been doing drugs all day long. Reports that he headed directly for the chip aisle upon entering the store cannot be confirmed.

This is nothing we didn't do when I was in college, but none of us ever got any media coverage.

On The Next Episode Of 'COPS'

The stalwart officers of New York's 34th precinct leaped into action when a man burst into the station house claiming that someone had tried to break into his car. They quickly accosted a suspect who, upon questioning, said that he'd been trying to get "something" from the trunk of the car. As part of their investigation, the cops opened the trunk to find 17 kilos of cocaine. The driver of the car in which the wackydust was found soon joined his erstwhile burglar in a holding cell.

These cops will be scoring free doughnuts for YEARS with this story. I wonder which public defender will draw the short straw and get stuck with the case.

Weird Chronicles Cooking School

In our continuing efforts to improve the quality of life for you, our readers, we here at the Weird Chronicles would like to humbly offer the following cooking tip: Before preheating the oven, check to ensure that no explosives have been stashed inside by drunken party guests. A Kansas City, Mo., man learned this lesson the hard way.

During a pre-Fourth of July party on July 3rd, police arrived at the gentleman's home to investigate a complaint of a loud party. One of the party guests, seeking to avoid trouble, stashed the party's fireworks in the oven. A few hours (and a few beers) later, someone turned the oven on to heat up some party food. The resulting explosion demolished the kitchen and left one man with a sliced arm caused by glass from the oven door.

These tips brought to you by the publishers of the new "Cooking With The Unabomber" video series.

Urban Legend Of The Week

First off, I don't normally repeat myself, but the hysteria over "BonsaiKitten" is snowballing. This site is a hoax, folks. I've seen e-mails from every continent (save from my levelheaded pals at McMurdo Station, Antarctica) pleading for e-petitions to be signed, protests to be held, and general hooraw to be raised. Stop giving these sick twits the attention they so desperately crave and drop it, friends.

Go ahead and dump that envelope of Equal into your coffee, folks. It turns out that, in spite of hysterical e-mails and speeches to the contrary, Aspartame does NOT cause MS or lupus. Just about every chemically-manufactured food additive has had something similar circulated about it. I suspect, as always, the Evil Squirrels. They want us to remain fat and slow, so we can't catch them when they perpetrate their evil acts.

Now that the noise from the fireworks has dissipated, are the gnomes coming back out from under the house? Did one of your skyrockets spung off the side of a hidden spaceship? Let me know.

Previous Stories:

• June 29, 2001: Crazy From The Heat
• June 22, 2001: Mayo Munchers Need Not Apply
• June 8, 2001: Welcome, Weird Employees
• June 1, 2001: Have A Weird Vacation
• May 25, 2001: Danger, Danger Everywhere
• May 11, 2001: Welcome To The Weird Wide Web
• May 4, 2001: Things To Do In The Dark
• April 27, 2001: Weird Omens And Wacky Portents
• April 20, 2001: Walk On The Weird Side