The summer heat continues to pound down, but this week it seems to be affecting the "criminal element" far more than the rest of us. Crews in small towns across the country are working feverishly to install padding in the holding cells, to stop the frenzied inmates from chewing on the bars.

Can I Moo You Tomorrow?

In Menomonie, Wis., (slogan: Say Us Three Times Fast!), Gary Otto's gotten under the skin of some local dairy farmers. What he's done to their charges is even worse. Gary had previously been charged with carrying on relations having nothing whatsoever to do with "normal" farming with local livestock, but pleaded guilty to a lesser (or at least less weird) charge. Thinking that there was some sort of illicit activity going on again, local farmers installed motion detectors in their barns. (You see what's coming, right?) Gary was reportedly caught in flagrante delicto with one of Elsie's relatives.

Wasn't there an "X-Files" episode that started this way? I'm switching to apple juice for a while, thanks.

It's The Results That Count

In more Wisconsin news, a man in the southern part of the state has been arrested on charges of burning his own house down. According to police, he did so to destroy "demons" which were inhabiting the home. As firefighters poured water on the blaze, and steam began to rise, the amateur exorcist pointed to the change from black to white smoke as proof that the demons had been destroyed. When it came time for him to be arraigned, court officials couldn't pry the fellow from his cell. Of course not! Cell walls are made of brick...no WAY for demons to hide in there!

I tried to do this to get rid of an annoying house guest, but he made it out the second-floor window.

You Want Cuffs With That?

As any good crook knows, nothing tops off a good day of grand larceny like a good plate of Moo Goo Gai Pan. It was in this spirit, I'm sure, that Michael Dawkins went out for dinner after allegedly robbing a Lancaster, Pa., bank. There was only one SMALL problem: Dawkins paid for his meal with bills covered in red dye from the dye pack which a teller had secreted in the money taken from the bank. When the money was deposited, police quickly backtracked and nabbed Dawkins. A search of his house revealed more "funny" money and clothes impregnated with the red dye.

Here's a tip, felons: A bottle of bleach will go a LONG way towards helping you become the master criminal that you think you are.

Attention, Shoppers!

Police in Oklahoma arrested a man they say used an axe to commit several robberies in and around Oklahoma City. Now, axes aren't your normal holdup weapon, being somewhat difficult to conceal. However, it appears that the man got unwitting help from the targets of at least two of his crimes. In the first instance, he reportedly walked into a Home Depot, took an axe off the shelf, and used it to rob the store. In the second, at a Wal-Mart, an employee at the front door was kind enough to put a sticker on the axe, signifying that the fellow had brought it in with him, and wasn't stealing it. He WAS however, stealing the till from a cashier whom he promptly walked over to and menaced, according to police.

This is an inspirational sort of thing. The next time I'm in the mood to go on an axe-toting rampage, it's nice to know that the retailers behind America's megastores will give me my little yellow sticker and send me on my way.

Urban Legend Of The Week

Thanks to alert reader Vanessa Bowden, I went sniffing around about a new e-mail that's been circulating widely. You've probably seen something like this:

Read below - Important. Check this out.

Just wanted to let everyone know who hasn't already heard, the four major credit bureaus in the US. will be allowed, starting July 1, to release your credit info, mailing addresses, phone numbers..... to anyone who requests it. If you would like to 'opt out' of this release of info, you can call 1-888-567-8688. It only takes a couple of minutes to do, and you can take care of anyone else in the household while making only one call, you'll just need to know their social security number. Be sure to listen closely, the first opt out is only for two years, make sure you wait until they prompt you to press '3' on your keypad to opt out for good.

Happy dialing!

Now, it turns out that this is part hoax/part true. The credit bureaus have ALWAYS been free to share this information. Telemarketing wouldn't be the huge, incredibly annoying business it has become without such information sharing. What HAS changed is that you, the consumer, now have the right to tell the bureaus NOT to share your info. There's just one problem: That will stop the credit bureaus, but will NOT stop credit card companies, car loan companies, banks, laundromats, grocery stores, and the shopping-cart lady who goes through your trash from selling your personal info to everyone this side of Planet Zork. I'd recommend making the call, since if you don't, the bureaus will continue to sell you far and wide, but don't expect it to stop ALL the solicitations.

Speaking of phone sales calls, what's YOUR favorite way to get rid of 'em? Let me know and you just might see it in an upcoming Weird Chronicles column!

Has the summer sun awakened any mummies in your basement? Brought any giant, mutant insects out of the trees? Drop me a line.

Previous Stories:

• July 13, 2001: The Doctor Will Weird You Now
• July 6, 2001: Driving While Weird
• June 29, 2001: Crazy From The Heat
• June 22, 2001: Mayo Munchers Need Not Apply
• June 8, 2001: Welcome, Weird Employees
• June 1, 2001: Have A Weird Vacation
• May 25, 2001: Danger, Danger Everywhere
• May 11, 2001: Welcome To The Weird Wide Web
• May 4, 2001: Things To Do In The Dark