Every once in a while, I come across a batch of stories that simply overload my poor, abused brain's ability to encompass the scope of their stupidity. There are four prime examples of such on the platter this week. In all four of these, you'll find folks whose sole purpose, it seems, is to cast doubt on the theory that humans are the pinnacle of evolution thus far.

Can Pepsi Come Out And Play?

OK, I can sympathize. It's expensive to raise kids. The Happy Meals and trips to Chuck E. Cheese alone can add up to enough to buy a space shuttle or two. A couple in New York, however, has come up with a way to pay for their kid. As a bonus, they might just guarantee the tyke a lifetime of playground beatings. The unnamed parents have put the naming rights to their unborn child up for auction on eBay. While they've ruled out alcohol or tobacco companies, it is entirely possible that the kid could show up for first grade with the name "Frito." Can you say "therapy," boys and girls? And I thought Myrtelene Fuggs' parents were mean to HER. Want to place a bid? Click here.

I don't know why they eliminated alcohol. A kid named "Budweiser" could go far here in Texas.

Next Up, Jelly!

One of the grand joys of making a peanut butter sandwich is seeing how much PB you can smear on the bread before it collapses from the weight. Some college students in Stillwater, Okla., are determined to suck all the fun out of that endeavor. These enterprising Oklahoma State University kids, proving that college kids have entirely too much free time, have invented sliced peanut butter. Two years and $35,000 were invested to produce the product, which consists of 90 percent peanut butter and 10 percent "filler," which is used to make the slices hold their shape.

I hope young Pepsi's parents realize that this is the sort of thing that their offspring will be using that naming-rights dough to study.

Australian For 'Stupid'

It seems that the "extreme" fad (which was, I suspect, invented by the Evil Squirrels to thin the human herd) has spread to sightseeing. A dead right whale off the coast of Australia drew a veritable chow line of great white sharks. They began ripping into the carcass like frat boys at a free buffet. It didn't take long for the event to draw sightseeing boats. Obviously, "Jaws" didn't play well in Australia. Not satisfied with merely watching and snapping bad photos, one (hopefully well-insured) soul jumped atop the rotting carcass of the whale and began doing some sort of dance. Another brainiac leaned off the stern of a boat and stroked the nose of one of the sharks as it tossed and ripped at a sector of putrid blubber. Want to see what I'm talking about? Click here.

Somewhere, my friends, Charles Darwin is smiling, secure in the knowledge that, should this continue, evolution will take care of all these star pupils.

How Much Is That Potty In The Gazebo?

Joseph Taviani swears that he was just trying to spruce up some yards in Bath, Pa., and make a nifty pun at the same time. He's decorated the yard of one house with a neon pink toilet filled with pink tulips. Standard white "porcelain thrones" adorn the yards of two other properties. Joe cites the numerous sculptures seen in New York City as his inspiration, but the good people of Bath aren't quite thrilled with his artistic vision.

I'm sure he'll be getting an obscenely large government grant to "fully explore" the possibilities of potty art.

Web Fraud Of The Week

If you've fired up the grill in anticipation of receiving your shipment from Manbeef.com, you may as well use the coals to toast some marshmallows. This site, purporting to offer human flesh for sale, is a fake. You can buy all the T-shirts, coffee mugs, and tchotchkes you want, but you won't be getting any Postman Roast or Ground Chuck. It's illegal to sell any meat that's not inspected by the FDA, and the feds don't allow human meat to be sold for ANY purpose.

This is in the same disgusting vein as BonsaiKitten. Do the Web and the world a favor and don't even visit the site.

Previous Stories:

• July 20, 2001: Step Away From The Barn, Sir
• July 13, 2001: The Doctor Will Weird You Now
• July 6, 2001: Driving While Weird
• June 29, 2001: Crazy From The Heat
• June 22, 2001: Mayo Munchers Need Not Apply
• June 8, 2001: Welcome, Weird Employees
• June 1, 2001: Have A Weird Vacation
• May 25, 2001: Danger, Danger Everywhere
• May 11, 2001: Welcome To The Weird Wide Web